My first contact with deafness

I always wanted a baby girl.My wish was granted 7 seven yrs after my son’s birth.There she was finally a small bundle pink and with curly hair.First thing that I asked the doctor was she absolutely normal.When she said yes I cried out and thanked God.My entire 9 months went in fear as both my sisters have a differently abled girls each-one is with down syndrome and the other is albino.My fears at rest I enjoyed every moment of my lil girl.
My fears cropped up again 5 months later when family started to feel she did not respond to sound.I laughed it off at their fears but secretly testing her all the time. I did notice she would cry in darkness specially if we went for a drive.At night she would always want my touch and she would shake herself to sleep.She was very silent.To put our mind at rest I decided to go for a BERA TEST on advise by our pediatricion.On the table lay my bundle of joy all sedated and I was knotted up inside, praying hard that all should be well.The test went on for 2 hours and each second seemed like years.I kept looking at the audiologist’s face to see any reaction.The test ended and so did our world when she told us that she was deaf by birth.The whole world crashed, there seemed to be darkness all around and everything seemed like a nightmare.
I still remember each step that I took to my car was heavy.There seemed to be a pit in front of me where I would fall and suffocate. I cried, did not eat and looked at her pretty face and wondered why did I get her. She did not deserve this. She kept looking back at me wondering why was the usual happy face look so swollen and red all the time.I suddenly stopped talking and singing completely as I suddenly I felt all the songs that I made for her did not reach her.I would close my ears to feel how she felt.Our world was suddenly silent.I kept blaming myself all the time that maybe I did something wrong, or I did not pray hard enough or WHY ME .Life seemed totally meaningless and empty.I just wanted to die but what about her?I couldn’t harm her.I still remember during our second opinion ,2 doctors were discussing how a mother had abandoned their little girl as she was deaf.My heart cried and I held her hard against my chest till she cried promising her to never let her go.Even the thought brought so much pain.I promised to her then to see her through that all the way.
Then started our rounds to audiologist for advice.She prescribed hearing aids.She asked us to decide.We had no clue about them ,how do we decide?They were so expensive.I kept telling him lets buy the lower end one….typical wife that I was.He too was depressed but a technical and practical man that he is ,he got to all the details.We searched the internet for details on all aspects of hearing impairment.I still had that hope that there would be a miracle cure some where or there would be someone who would tell us it would be temporary or a prayer would just be answered.We spoke to people we knew to give any clue as to what we heading into.I think that was what we did right. We kept looking for anyone who could give any information.Most people do not want to show that their apple of the eye is not perfect. My husband learnt the technical details of it and on advise decided on digital BEHIND THE EARS hearing aids.He went ahead with the high end model from Siemens which was the latest and had 4 channels.We got her ear moulds made which was a very heart wrenching experience.She finally had hearing aids.
Some times I feel I have memory loss of those times. I had thought I had got over all those feelings.But today after 3 years later when I am revisiting those feelings,I look back yes with pain again ,tears are still rolling down my eyes but I am braver and more strong.I know we have changed and changed for stronger human beings.I know it is possible to change your life if you decide to take it head on.Today I cry not because WHY ME but because my daughter has spoken a new sentence and said something exciting.This experience has been life changing for me.