Monday, May 30, 2016


     A few videos of the past and how life changes. I just opened few doors of my digital album and how my past 20 years with kids filled my life with such mixed emotions. Today when I saw those videos , it has opened up my heart bit by bit. Seeing how I loved them, took care of them, enjoyed being a mother, the tears, the love and kisses all make me immensely emotional. The most tough was seeing prisha's videos. How did I manage to keep sane in those situations? Her innocent smile, laughter, her curls, her dimples, her tears, unsaid words, struggle to say few things she found hard to say, happiness and so so much more. I am having a hard time dealing with them. want to run back and hold her one more time, teach her more, love her and relive my memories of being a mother again to her. Her faith in following what I said, her love for me, her need for a simple hug when I was upset at her performance......oh dear, why do we mums have a heart like this. I barely slept the night.
     I feel I could love her more, give her more tools, tell her she is a beautiful angel who lit up my life. Her curls make me smile, her small dimple too, her twist of head, her twinkle when she is naughty, her cries made me sink but I had to hold up as I had to be stronger so that she can be strong too. Yday seeing those videos have made her fall in love with herself, see her confidence and realize how happy she was. Today I have to work again as a mum to rebuild her confidence that often comes down with the growing up years and the world around. the pressures are easier in the comforts of loving arms of the mother. Growing up and making decisions, being responsible can be so tough to deal with. The world around doesn't allow discounts, they don't care about your drawbacks and issues, what they need is fulfill their own expectations and needs. kids like these need so much confidence building. As mothers it can be so hard to manage these emotions yourself. Holding her up when you could be dealing with many levels of emotions and situations. Can you afford to break down? I can't as she needs to be stronger than I have been at her age. The demands of the world are too many. Can I allow her to be human?Or I ask her to be as mean or as selfish? She is loving, soft, tears up seeing someone hurting coz she knows what is hurt. 
      A lot went by coz I had too many things to deal with. Big family , adolescent son, hearing impaired child , husband working in Eurppe and lot of responsibility. I managed all of it with barely any support. Taking care of everyone's needs and forgetting about mine. Looking at this treasure I was filed with guilt. I should have let go of other things and spent more time with Prisha. The beautiful happy child who made me what I am, her smiles and curls, her chatter and laughter and even just a sob with hands spread out for a hug....that's all that matters today. I feel I should have spent that time with her instead. Loved my baby more. Taken more recordings coz nothing was enough and nothing can be enough. Makes me regret a bit that in the rush I should have loved her more. Enjoyed her more coz thre is only one childhood. I am blessed to have two babies who are amazing. Their chemistry is beautiful. Seeing their memories makes me feel fulfilled as a mum.  Want to go into these images and snatch them and love them. Kiss them one more time and tell them I love you more than anything in this world. This is the only treasure I shall take to my grave. I am happy I made her learning happy and full of art and singing. The stress doesn't show. 

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