Family mental health

Together through it all!

   

     Gone are those days when discussing mental health was a taboo or stigma. Today with the stress of lifetsyle have given us emotional and mental pressures to deal with. Life is harder and peer pressure and manintaing sanity is becoming a great challenge. We suffer from depression, anger manangment issues, feeling of isolation, competition, social acceptance, popularity issues, social media pressures and many many more. We are more lonely than ever before thanks to the lifestyle and gifts of modern times. This applies to every single person and I doubt there is anyone who has no pressures or is not suffering from mental issues. Its just how we all deal with it that makes the difference. Few buckle under it and few learn to fight all the way....this way or that it does lead to a lot of damage or scars left behind.
      This made me think about my life and the mental health in my family. Its been a very challenging life trying to deal with many issues but what topped the list was dealing with a disability and issues that surrounded it or came with it. Its a life time commitment with emotional, psychological, financial and mental pressures. Every moment is a surprise or a shock and no moment can be taken for granted. The mental stability of family is always dwindling with situations and it needs all the might to keep it going. Each point in my life I have been connected very deeply with my own self and that helped me deal with issues that affect others. What doesn't appeal to yourself cannot appeal to others as well. Putting myself in the shoes of others helped me deal with it even better. I am pretty sensitive and though it did help me deal with others very sensitively, it did leave its impact on me. Being the oldest child I saw the struggles of my parents and they trying their best to give us all they could. Having younger siblings came with responsibilities which I did handle to the best I could. It did make me a giver and seldom asked for help for myself. Thus my foundation was laid for life where I did become more of a giver and in return needed lot of love and acceptance. At times it came and at times it didn't which was a disappointing but I guess I became resilient and learnt the pschology of human behaviour well. I have been very closely using the learning on my family and learning more on the way as well. It does help me understand more deeply and am able to use it for the workshops and talks I use or with mums who seek help from me on various topics.
      Many times I notice that when there are meltdowns and mentally tiring issues...easiest is to give in to the situations or ignore it all together with the motto....this too shall pass. We don't realize though that nothing just passes by without leaving an effect on the person. By ignoring or giving in we could be actually allowing it to grow bigger. Years later we find it even harder to address the issues. Many mums ask me about these meltdowns and them being afraid of addressing it when kids are younger as they fear being labelled as " bad mums with ill behaved kids". They fail to understand every child has these moments and sooner we start to work on the children early, the easier it would be as family to address them in coming years. Yes....Its a lot of hard work holding the bull by its horn. Be it an arguement with the spouse, to his family, your family and your kids or the neighbors. Chances are we are trying to run away from these as we " fear facing these demons" Yes I find them hard too but I know by brushing them under the carpet doesn't really work. So what do I do? I address them as soon as I can. If its a tantrum of my child...I would put it in place as soon as I can. Hold him with his hands in front of me...Look him in the eye and TALK ! Tough? Oh yes it is and still is....but kids are smart...when they see that you are talking from experience and all that you do is coming true...they learn to respect your experience. Its hard to talk to an angry spouse or a sulking relative or a friend who is avoiding you due to some nagging issue....the idea is to talk however hard and face the reality. One thing I always follow is....telling the truth, however hard it maybe. My kids know that when they tell the truth, whatever blunder they make, mum would listen and forgive and support them to come out of it. We have a pact there...they ask me..."you won't shout mum if I tell you?" They know they are safe as I shall then help them. It helped to make a bridge of comfort. But that doesn't mean we have a honeymoon each time...its still tough and parenting brings a lot of tears and sweat each day at every stage of their growing up years. Life isn't a colorful bubble and hence let them see the real world. The world out there is real and we can't protect them always.
     Once the kids respect you and value your opinions..half your battle is won. My bond with my kids is very close and that helps me to be their constant supporter and we talk like friends where I never shy away from talking facts or showing a mirror often. What's important is for the spouse to follow the same. They can and will feel a kind of " rivalry" as to why kids listen more to the mum, but then we spend more time together since their birth. There are certain rules we do follow in our family and they help us deal with it well. I deal with the emotional and day to day issues and my husband takes over their studies and planning of their lessons etc. Yet we do have our moments and then we work on it as a family. This helps to know what is going on in the minds of everyone and helps build a kind of dependence for comfort. In times that are hard we seek the support of each other as everyone outside of your family unit has different opinions and what works for them may not work for you. As we grow older we imbibe more from the outside world and though we grow in the same family, each sibling does turn out different but few sets of values put in early years does help. No matter what happens between my kids and they are 7.5 years apart, I make sure they know what's happening in each other's lives and keep doing things to keep them connected. The world is a complicated place and as years are going by, its going to be even tougher. Its hence important that they know that have each other's back no matter what! Its a daily process and my investment on this front is very high. I had built up few methods to help my son deal with the sibling coming in the family, my husband learning to spend time with kids beyond the TV and me sitting and working on the issues that bother them. It all takes a toll on me many times but this is far more important than a lunch outing at that moment. I have found ways to deal with it through my counseling mums, writing, spreading the little I know and of course cooking! It all helps to keep my family together. Like my son said in an email recently...." however ill you were, you made sure we had hot fresh food for us each day". Isn't that what we seek that the kids recognize, the spouse understands and we are connected on many issues that are most vital for family bonding.
     Never take anything in the family for granted. Address it as soon as you can. Little things we do, shall help the family stay together. Life in't easy in present times. I have seen so much of tough times and tough decisons to be taken...be it money ( its never enough when you are a single person earning), my son with his emotional nature, his studies and him moving away very far from us to Prisha being deaf, being bullied extensively at her school, to adjusting with the hearing world to country changes adaptations etc etc. Being a parent is the toughest these days and with so much stress around the health today, it is very much of a concern. Fortunately we 4 are very resilient and we break, fall, scrape our knees, limp and walk again with the help of each other.  Giving up should not be a solution as that's the worst we could do as a family. Know what works for you and find ways to work around issues. It could be as easy as using a counselor, talking to a "real" friend each day who can help you see issues better, reading books or articles and using your own intuitive voice that helps you know things better. Have your "me time" but make sure you know what is happening in your family. Don't be a helicoptor parent or spouse but be involved and never run away from the situations. Remember that if you run away from problems, you are setting an example for your family to do the same. Kids emmulate what you do....so set the right example and see how well your family bonds well and works through all the tough times together and individually. It shall be a great way to work with your family health always.
      

Difficult 2.5 years

      

My happy satisfied "never give up" teen

     Its been a hard 2.5 years at the school in Jakarta. It was an Indian International school that my husband thought would be good. Hence when we moved from Germany to this school,we thought it would be a good change as we needed Prisha to have a structured approach in studies. The 5 years of IB in Germany had gaps with abstract understanding and we thought text books would be a great support. Hence the choice.

    Well it was a huge mistake and blunder just as I had dreaded. Initially all was going well. Then within a month she was bullied for coming from Germany and being "German".....she tried so hard to fit in but the class teacher and a few students ganged up against her and harrased Prisha the whole year. The teacher was trash and somewhere end of that year, we fought against it and got support. Next year seemed promising and had a good class teacher who was supportive. Yet the students refused to accept her and the struggle continued. I hated to see no support and she eating lunch each day by herself. To keep her company, we decided to be on what's app so that she did not feel alone. The kids can be so hurtful and sadly except a couple of teachers , there was no support. They too after a while were targeted perhaps and they too started to leave Prisha alone. The study preassure was killing my child. I too hurt inside and we both slipped into depression. Difficult place, lack of support, study pressure, traffic situation, language issues and no outings ....just was too much to take. She really fought it bravely and at times she lost control and at times she stood up. As a mum I could only counsel her and see ourselves being isolated and hurting all the time. Talking to her endlessly and trying to see her through was taking a toll on my health as well.

     The 3rd year was garde 8 and I dreaded it as much she did. Fortunately she made friends with a German lady and her daughter and they took her under her wing. Feeding the cats each evening, playing around and talking a lot to each other was the only silver lining in her dark clouds. Veronica and Aleyna brough a lot of beautiful moments in her life that shall be cherished for life. They sadly had to leave and she was left alone again.
    meanwhile at school, he talked of giving up with stress, had pimples all over her face and hormones were raging with anger. At times I found it hard to keep counselling but can I give up? No....what the school should have provided, I was doing that. We were like lone fighters with attack from all sides. Grade 8 saw her more isolated and non of the teachers knew she had hearing issues!!! They left her alone as she seemed quiet and never came up to ask what was her reason to be so isolated and sad. I fought back and yet somewhere I knew its not going to help. THE SCHOOL DOESN"T CARE!!! No counselors, no one who would carry out their promises or help support a child struggling alone......I knew its only going to kill my child and I could not take it anymore. I had taken to writing quotes and poems to vent out my sadness and hurt from all fronts of my life. It helped at times and at times no amount of tears and worry could help. Support from few hands who wiped my tears and heard me out each moment of my sadness holding me through my depression, really was a saving grace.

    Summer of 2017 was a wake up call when Prisha started to talk about giving up on life and value of life. She said she hated life at 13! She said things that made me panic and the whole summer between tears and hugs and under our 4 eyes....we survived many difficult moments. I was paranoid and never left her alone, her questions and statments made me cold, at times I broke into sweat and at times breathless. I even asked for a counselor but our local GP said....you are her best counselor and no one can do what I could, specially in Indonesia. Under all the smiles and happy writing....was a sea of tears and raw and hurtful emotions. My fear of losing my child was killing me. That is when I just knew I needed to do something...but what? 

    It was somwhere in October I knew we are up against a wall and I put my foot down and decided we need to move school. The school had brough her entire confidence down. No amount of drawing, doodling, music lessons, talking and support from friends here was helping us. I feared each day as she returned home with 10 Kg of backpack and tons on her hurt mind and soul. Deafness was forgotten and so were those challenges. The unempathic atmosphere in school, the noise and rashness had affected her health so much that she started to get weak and dizzy most times. Her headaches were so intense that I was afraid she may have a break down, pressure of submissions, etc got her sleepless nights. It lead to low BP and low Haemoglobin and she kept feeling she was going to pass out.  The local GP too saw how much we were suffering and said my decision to move school would be the best idea. It was a huge decision for us. I knew that once we pull out, we would not be admitted back as they would be happy to have a troublesome child out. Her needs to be accepted were too huge for them. They avoided talking to me as they knew I would be complaining or asking for answers. Its sad that such an old school, perhaps one of the oldest here could not take care of one child who just had one need.....be accepted and be supported. Were we asking too much? We asked for no special needs, no special aids....she coped up with all the work....all that she needed was less noise in class, friends and someone to turn to when she needed help. Yet......When I left school, they were pretty happy I guess. No one said I should stay back, nor reasons why I was moving her mid term nor were they concerned. Such an old reputed institution could not support the basic need to be integrated, We asked for no help except less noise and acceptance. That was a bit too much. 

      At this juncture a friend suggested NJIS. An advanced placement school with few kids per classroom and with global teachers. Skeptical and exhausted I decided to take a step into the school and go without expectations. I didn't know that, that one day of a very depressed and helpless mum shall perhaps be life changing. I shall write about it in my next post. It only brings a smile after moist eyes from typing out this post. Emotional, hurtful and tough 2.5 years ended on 25Th Nov'2017.

stages of mothers' mental state

I have realized over these 2 years that when one detects a child with impairment not only in deafness but also in any form of disability, the mother goes through very typical stages.I too have gone through it and see all the mothers go through it, as it is the mom who has actually gone through the pains of giving birth and is closest to the child.She spends the maximum time with them.
1. The moment one realizes the deformity or the disabilty, the first reaction is of shock.It takes a long while to realize it is actually happening.There is a lot of crying and trying to realize the reality.
2. The mom starts to get into a denial mode where she refuses to believe it is actually true.She fails to accept that the apple of her eye is having a problem.
3.Self blame follows where she feels she did something wrong, or she did not pray enough , or that she was not careful enough or all sorts of reasons where she blames herself.'Why me' is another very comman question she asks herself.
4.Jealousy is another very big part.One starts to envy anybody who is normal.You start to detest the world.One isolates from everything around and is only into self pity.
5.There are many moms who have contemplated suicide after wanting to kill the child.Basically wanting to escape the situation.
6.Many blame the child as it has got her into the situation and do neglect the child.
7.There is alot of unrest on the homefront too.The father too has his mental state to look after.
8.Financial situation also plays a big part in this whole situation.With cost of living going up any disability does bring with it a bit of financial drain.Doctors have to be consulted, tests have to be performed,remedial action is to be taken.All this and more does take a toll on parents' mental condition.sometimes families do break up in such tough times.
These according to me are more comman.There could be more and will keep posting as they come up.In such times it is very important that the family is together.A lot of support from near and dear ones can help the family to cope with it and give a good future to the child.When families break up it is the child who suffers more and I feel as a mom, it our duty that since we get the child in this world ,we owe him the best possible treatment.Do not be ashamed of the child .It is no one's fault.The child should be looked after so that he does not suffer from the 2 disabilities- one he is born with and the other that we give by not supporting him\her.